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04 November 2010 @ 02:40 am
Fic: No Such Thing (Torchwood/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)  
Title: No Such Thing
Author: Julie S
Rated: G
Characters: Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Summary: Unusual creatures with unusual appetites pass through the Rift every week. (330 words)
A/N: Silliness ahead, just so you know!

The creature sat almost primly in its cell.

To say it was humanoid was a far reach; while the alien had arms and legs, and was about Jack's height - or so Gwen estimated - it was composed completely of ice.

Crunching ice, topped with snow, and it wasn't melting in the July weather. The chill in the cells gave Gwen goose pimples, though the effect was in no small part also due to the discomfort she still felt, among the the cells full of alien captives. And either way, the creature she could only describe as an anthropomorphic lump of ice had been found outside, exposed to the mercy of the sun.

Jack and Ianto entered the small corridor.

"Hope we're not interrupting," Jack said lightly. "Exchanging life stories?"

Gwen shook her head. "Not exactly. If it can speak, it's not doing it. But it's looking at me."

"Maybe he fancies you," suggested Ianto, with no hint to indicate he was joking.

"Har," she said, and smacked his arm. "What are you carrying?" she asked, when she noticed Ianto was holding a tray covered with cloth.

"Dinner," said Jack. "We're not completely inhumane. Gotta feed Frosty til his people come for him. Tosh estimates Tuesday morning."

"What does a lump of ice eat? No offense," she added, for the creature's benefit.

Jack took the cloth off the tray and revealed a sparkling meal. "Standard for Alsiusians - diamonds."

Gwen stared. "Are you serious?"

"Completely." He grinned. "And you better hope there's no cubic zirconia in there - don't want to get it angry. We'll be defrosting the Hub for weeks."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that," Ianto commented. "Not if the supplier knows what's good for him."

Gwen shook her head at the absurdity of the situation, just as Jack unlocked the cell. "Feeds diamonds to aliens, then he tells us we can't have new computers because we have a budget."

"To be fair," said Ianto, "there is a budget. It's just that most of it is spent on ammunition, Chinese food and dry cleaning."

- end

* * *

Anya: "There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds!"
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 6x09 Smashed
juliet316: Torchwood: JackMartha laughjuliet316 on November 4th, 2010 07:09 am (UTC)
*snickers* This was lovely.
Dinaun_sedentary on November 4th, 2010 07:18 am (UTC)
Thank you! :)
Rose Cat: not spikerose_cat on November 4th, 2010 11:01 am (UTC)
Nice :)
nnwest: laughs-Amy & Rory; DWs05e13nnwest on November 4th, 2010 05:48 pm (UTC)
:D Very cute.
Nancynancybrown on November 4th, 2010 10:45 pm (UTC)
Hee! :)
badly_knitted: Droolbadly_knitted on November 5th, 2010 10:47 pm (UTC)
You really do need to keep an open mind when working for Torchwood!

Loved Ianto's comment about the budget =)